Scaling the walls

There are many challenges on the yogini's treacherous path . One that I have been confronting a lot these days is the rise of the ego. So much practice, so much dedication and I was starting to feel a bit too invincible. In my yoga I can twist, balance, unravel, bind and it all happens almost effortlessly. There is a flow as natural as breathing. Which led me to believe that out there in the world it would be the same.

So I tried rock-climbing. "I have flexibility and strength from yoga", my arrogant mind insisted, "it will be no problem". Until I found myself in blazing tropical sunlight clinging by the ends of my fingers to the rocky face of Crazy Horse Buttress. Voices from our Thai adventure guides rose up into my panicked psyche: "left foot acloss more", "light hand up fuhder..." But I couldnt move. And no amount of yoga breathing reduced the feeling that I was hanging like a roach on bathroom tiles, on the verge of being shattered to a million pieces on the rocks below. This was NOT my idea of fun. I just wanted to get down.

I had watched Simon, the man from Berlin and Taing (sp?) from France whisk it in a few minutes. Adrian, the German undercover climbing pro got to the top like she was tying her shoelaces. I had no idea it would be so tough, or terrifying.

Fear, that old friend I hadnt conversed with for a while, shook me to my core. So there I was like a fly on the wall, frozen, desperate. "Just let me come down" I begged the man with the rope. I did come back to land, but this was a ruthless team. They plastered over my bleeding finger and cleaned up the graze on my knee. My guides gave me 15 minutes to take off those agonizingly tight climbing shoes: " and then you will go up again". It had been so long since something felt so impossibly difficult. I sympathised with stiff yogis struggling to lengthen their hamstrings and panicked students afraid to turn their worlds upside down by going into headstand. I had forgotten how tough it could be. But I went. With patient guidance from earth below about hidden footholds and which leg to raise next. I pleaded twice to be let down and was refused: "come on! You can do it". I reached the final metal ring. Peace. Vistas of crackling leaves, bamboo forests and distant hills. Ants below me cheering.

I have never found a guru in my life, being to cynical to kneel at another human being's feet in adoration. But my guru appeared today as a Thai adventure guide with a taste for a quick shot of whiskey after a hard day scaling the rocks. From here the only way is up.